Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
