my phone needs a breathalizer
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
