I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I forget how to act sober
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
