You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
