how can u be prego again
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
