i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
