you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
