yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
