We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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