Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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