sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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