She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
