i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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