fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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