hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
