Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
