I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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