i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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