Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize