I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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