News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
