I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
