your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize