I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
