Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
