Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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