Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
