giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
