I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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