I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
