i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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