That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
