he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
