I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Randomize
