Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
