someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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