i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
