Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize