I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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