You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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