Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize