I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
