Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
