She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
