So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
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