its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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