This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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