I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
