Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
