So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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