she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize