Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
