Where is the hickey?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
