I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
