Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
