Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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