Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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