It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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